March 27, 2012
memento

I have always loved taking photographs. The magnificent flash of light and the satisfying sound of the shutter assure me that I will be able to preserve the precious moments that I have with you so long as the image is never lost and the photographs do not fade. However, this time was different.

I sat in front of you as a trifecta of mayonnaise, ketchup, and oils trickled through my fingers from the Inferno Burger I cradled in my hands. You sat in front of me, enjoying every bite of the Ostrich Burger that you adventurously opted to try and declared that it tasted like, “Turkey and Beef at the same time.” As you continued to sit there, your skin basking in the warm glow of the dim overhead lighting, I realized that no photograph could truly capture the hue in your cheeks, the faint smell of warm hamburger and toasted bread that occupied our senses, and that soft light in your eyes that I love so much.

When we finished the last bites of the juicy burgers, tantalizingly spicy-sweetness of the generous cajun steak fries, and slices of fresh tomato, bold onions, and crisp lettuce, we finally gathered our things and headed for the door. The temperature had dropped a dramatic twenty degrees since I first stepped off the airplane four nights ago. Your hand was warm but I shivered anyway when I was bitten by the first sting of the cold nighttime air. You kissed the top of my forehead, as you always do, and tucked me closely under your arm. We hurried towards the car with hasty steps, tumbled into our seats, and quickly slammed the doors to abruptly shut out the chilly air. I turned to you as you looked at me, and you smiled. I smiled back, knowing that I am always safe and warm as long as you are near.

Moments like this are ones that I want to never forget; but I know that time will eventually threaten the vitality of the memory. I will continue to take photographs in effort to preserve these precious memories, however, I believe that writing things down is also important. Perhaps I am far too sentimental, but I would much rather always try to remember and have a memento of these happy times so I will never forget.

10:56pm
February 21, 2012
no habla español

A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “Goodbye. I love you.”
Me: “Bye. Te llamo.”
A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “Huh?”
Me: “TE LLAMO!”
A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “You call?”
Me: “I didn’t call…”
A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “You said, ‘Te llamo…’”
Me: “Yes… TE LLAMO!”
A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “Te llamo…? OH! You mean TE AMO!”
Me: “Isn’t that what I just said?” 
A Devastatingly Handsome Man: “No.” 
Me: “Oh. Awkward. Ok. Bye.” 

7:05pm
February 15, 2012
carry this picture for luck

He holds my hand during the entire drive. I fall asleep on his shoulder, as I typically do, and by the time that I wake up, we already arrive safely at our destination. It is always dark when he arrives but even darker when he departs. I wish it would stay sunny forever. 

9:09am
February 6, 2012
the demise of the calla lily

Seven months have passed, and eight months linger still. I sit in the quiet of the morning hours with the television on to distract my mind from wandering too far over the cliff of silence. There is an uneasiness, an anxiety, that pervades even the soundest corners of my mind. The resulting vibrations that echo and resonate threaten to turn over the walls that I worked so hard to mount into this foundation; walls that I require to keep the structure strong and stabilized. As the months go on, the vibrations continue to reverberate and the walls never cease in their trembling. When I am finally able to fall asleep, I am also able to forget about the endless shaking and so, consequently, I sleep for hours at a time. Sometimes even twelve hours straight. Without a doubt, all that sleep cannot be too good for my body. Certainly, the hours pass without any obvious infliction of pain, and while sleep is essential for the body’s cells to renew and repair itself, the fact is that too much sleep can be harmful for the heart. You see, the danger of such sedentary habits is that the heart will remain in a prolonged state of a “resting” heart rate. This results in an increased proclivity to having a heart attack. That sounds rather unpleasant and, dare I say it, downright frightening, doesn’t it? You needn’t answer the question; I have known the answer well as it were. I promised you, years ago, that I would always take care of myself in effort to maximize the blessed time on this earth that I have been granted to spend with you. I used to be a person who believed so strongly in the honor of my word. Perhaps as the months progress, I have been forgetting who I am. I need to remember. Whenever you return, you help me remember. However, just like an old memory or an aging photograph, once you depart, the colors, too, begin to fade and even the sun’s vibrant light can no longer convince my lips to drink from it. I have slept so quietly in the center of this abandoned house, with only the sound of the television for company. The silence, otherwise, I find deafening. 

2:20am
October 31, 2011
"My love for you is like an irreversible reaction: once the product has been formed, it can never convert back to the reactants."

— A Devastatingly Handsome Man 

10:56pm
August 21, 2011
"I was thinking though: even in the case I ever had a crappy job and was unhappy at work, at least I’d know that I’d always be able to come home to you and be happy. As long as I have you to come home to, I know that everything will be alright and that I’ll be happy."

— A Devastatingly Handsome Man

10:55pm
July 3, 2011
without any regard

Everyone deserves kindness, and a second chance. I still stand by my values, and I am glad they continue to endure. I will never give up on those who I love, and I will always love fiercely. I have no regrets, and if enemies are created in the process - know that I did not create them by pointing any fingers or sparking antagonism; know that if these enemies are created, it was because I only stood by my beliefs. I hope you know that it was because I love you and will stand by you, always. 

11:33pm
June 17, 2011
"The world is an ugly place, but it is a beautiful thing when you are in the position to bring about positive change."

— Miss Alicia

4:45pm
June 8, 2011
dear june baby

The year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds; they all flew by so quickly, and now I find myself alone with thoughts of you. The beauty of youth rapidly decays as a tiredness as I have never felt before begins to creep into the marrow of my bones. Lately, I have been so tired: exhaustion taking over from trying to hang on, trying to catch up, trying to claim everything and anything, trying to let go, trying to keep you as close to me as I can, trying to learn how to live apart from you again. I will not let the rules and structure and order of this world to restrict or to restrain or to control me. But are we not already interpellated into a very particular ideology just as we execute our daily lives? Should I break away from everything and live a life in absolute disconnect in effort to fully experience what it means to be free? No, I know that I cannot live that way and neither would I truly desire that. That web, the mesh, the knot of all things really is what makes it all worthwhile. And while I grow tired and vexed and concerned and more determined than ever, I am thankful and I am blessed and I am luckier than anyone else might understand. You work so hard to see me, to make sure that I am alright, to visit me as much as you possibly can, to express how much you love and appreciate and adore me, to ensure a happy and healthy future, to support and cherish and honor this relationship. Thank you for being born this month. I have been so spoiled as of late, especially this last month, when I had the time and luxury to spend entire weeks and then every (three-day) weekend with you. Life is so delicate and fallible; it doesn’t feel right to be away from those who mean the most to you. It’s just a few days, weeks, months, years; yes, but sometimes that is all you’ve got left. In any case, I want to always consciously remember and appreciate every moment that I am able to spend with you.

1:17am
May 24, 2011
giving thanks

Every day that I spend with you is wonderful. Even when we have our moments of disagreement and conflict, we always work hard to make it all better. I am so thankful that I was able to spend my four years of undergrad with you. You continue to be my best friend, and you are likely the best person that I know. Spending all day with you and my family was “splendid.” Falling asleep next to you, going on daily adventures with you, and waking up besides you is always the best. I have been so thankful, I am even more thankful now, and hope that I never ever forget to be thankful. You are the greatest blessing in my life.

4:26pm
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